Relationship Fulfillment Factor

Are You Unhappy With the Dynamics of Your Relationship?

   Does your man expect you to do things for him that you resent? To do more than your share?

   Does he do things that irritate you? Disappoint you? That leave you feeling sad?

   Does he say things that hurt? That make you feel guilty, ashamed,  blamed or wrong?

   Are you tired of  the way your relationship is set up?

The bad news: You set it up that way. (I can hear the howls already!)

The good news: You can change YOUR experience — but NOT him!

How Did YOU Set It Up?

Note: You must take responsibility for it or you won’t be able to change it. As long as you make him responsible, that leaves you a victim.

You can’t be a victim and 
influence the dynamics of your relationship

Back to How YOU Set It Up…

1. From the very first time that you met your man, you began to set the (mostly unspoken) rules of how things would run. If you feel that he set the terms, then you must realize that you accepted them if you went along with them.
2. Not knowing that you were setting the guidelines, you most likely did everything he asked of you and more, even if you really didn’t want to. At first it was fun and exciting! You wanted to “make him happy,” to please him, to make him want you to be the one.
3. When he asked you what you wanted, you deferred to him. After all, you didn’t want him to think that you were “high maintenance.” You didn’t let him know what you wanted. Or if you did, you likely only gave him hints and innuendos about what would make you happy.
4. When he did something or said something that you didn’t like or that bothered you, you brushed it off, justifying his poor behavior.  You gave him the green light to act as if your feelings and needs didn’t matter.
5. As he let you know what he wanted, and you didn’t let him know what you wanted, slowly you began to morph into the woman he “thought” he wanted, but he lost you in the process. YOU lost yourself. Not being authentically you, you are now playing a part in a relationship that isn’t working for you.

If you continue in the relationship as it is, you will either be:

    Angry which shows up as flares of temper or passive-aggressive behavior, especially in women who feel powerless.  

Or

    Depressed which shows up as a loss of interest in your life, not taking care of yourself, loss of energy, feelings of low self-worth, and constant self-criticism.

Watch for Part 2 of Are You Frustrated with Your Man? to find out how to repair the dynamics of your relationship so you can be true to yourself, get your needs met, and enjoy your man again.

If you have a question or comment about this post, please leave it below.

How to leave a comment:

• From the blog, click on the blue ‘No Comments’ link at the bottom of this post or there may be a number in front of ‘Comments’ indicating how many comments have been left.
• From your email, scroll up and click on the title which will take you to the blog and at the bottom of the post you will find the comment box already open ready for your comment.

Also, I welcome your feedback, requests for topics that you’d like for me to cover, and questions.

If you don’t want to miss a post you can subscribe in the box near the top on the right (titled ‘Subscribe Here’) to have future articles delivered to your email inbox as they become available. Of course, you can unsubscribe at any time.

You can also subscribe to the RSS Feed by clicking on the RSS chicklet.

And you can email me your relationship questions at eva@relationshipfulfillmentfactor.com

- Flirting Makes a Woman More Attractive

Smile

It’s contagious. It will make you so much more approachable. A smile lights up your face and draws people to you. You will be a people magnet. Try it!

Compliment

Compliment your flirting partner. The best compliments have the element of surprise. The “flirtee” will know that you really noticed them. Remember, your compliments must be honest, sincere and genuine. When you receive a compliment the best response is merely, Thank You!

Have Fun

Be playful, light-hearted and spontaneous. Show your vulnerability.

Eye Contact

Make eye contact, but please look your partner in the eye gently (no more than 2-4 seconds) and then glance away. Don’t stare - it’s a turn off.

Listen

You have two ears and one mouth because you should listen twice as much as you speak. Listening is a true art. Your flirting partner will be drawn to you. Everyone loves to be heard.

Make the First Move

Move closer to the person you want to meet. Say hello!

Be the Host

Change your behavior from the role of guest to host. You are not the passive person in waiting, but rather the welcome committee

Use Props

Never leave home without a prop. Props are natural conversation starters. They encourage conversation and others will be compelled to start talking to you. Great props include: dogs, kids, unusual jewelry, a fabulous scent, interesting ties, hats, or an interesting book or newspaper.

Start a Conversation

The best opening line is saying hello. Talk about the surroundings, ask a question, ask for help, state an opinion.

Flirting is an Attitude

A good flirt is self-confident and not afraid to take risks. Be enthusiastic and positive, it works!

Paint the Picture that YOU
Want to Live!

Part 3 in a 3 Part Series

Weave your hopes and dreams into the fabric of your conversations. Share what you want your life with him to be like.

Let him see your vision of the two of you happy, in love, resolving conflict with both of you looking out for the other.

When he grumbles about your relationship (or anything else), give him a different perspective on how you see things working and being good.

This is not a lecture on how he should change. This is a vision of your desires for the future. This is providing the relationship leadership that he needs and wants from you.

Men Look To Women for Guidance in Their Relationships
They really don’t have a clue about relationships and if you are depending on him to guide your relationship, it will end up in the ditch.

It’s up to you to be the “thought leader,” expressing your desires and vision for your relationship and even if he doesn’t say so, he will appreciate you showing the way in this area that is difficult for him.

Example Of Painting The Picture

If he says, “You don’t appreciate how hard I work. You just think money grows on trees.”

If you React you say, “Well you don’t exactly show any appreciation for all that I do to cook for you, take care of the kids and the house, run your errands, blah, blah, blah.

If you Respond you say, “I do see how hard you work, and I appreciate you. I look forward to the time when you really feel how grateful I am for all that you do for our family.”    

This is painting the picture. You want him to feel your gratitude. Now in his mind, he has the picture of feeling your gratitude. That seed will grow in the sunshine of your continued encouragement.

Also, now he doesn’t have an argument. You just agreed with him and trumped his comment with your vision. At first he may grumble even more when you respond because he is used to having an argument. It may take time for him to ‘hear’ that you aren’t reacting in your old way.

Give him time. He will trust that you really do appreciate him and want the best for him when he sees you consistently responding in a positive way.

Don’t Paint the Picture That is Your Nightmare
If you tell him all the reasons why your marriage isn’t going to work, you will find yourself living that nightmare.

Being the champion of your relationship
is a gift you are giving yourself

If after you give these recommendations a good workout, you are not able to have a productive discussion, then it’s time to get some outside help.

The Consequences of NOT Having a Good Talk
If you don’t have this conversation (probably a series of conversations) and the two of you are not able to begin the journey of rebuilding trust (on both sides), then your bewilderment will likely turn to anger and your love will turn to hate.

Don’t put this off with the excuse that your lives are too busy. I talk to couples all the time that put it off until it is too late. Don’t let yourself become a divorce statistic.

Let me know how it goes.

If you enjoyed this post, please consider leaving your comment.

How to leave a comment:

• From the blog, click on the blue ‘No Comments’ link at the bottom of this post or there may be a number in front of ‘Comments’ indicating how many comments have been left.
• From your email, scroll up and click on the title which will take you to the blog and at the bottom of the post you will find the comment box already open ready for your comment.

Also, I welcome your feedback, requests for topics that you’d like for me to cover, and questions.

If you don’t want to miss a post you can subscribe in the box near the top on the right (titled ‘Subscribe Here’) to have future articles delivered to your email inbox as they become available. Of course, you can unsubscribe at any time.

And you can email me your relationship questions at eva@relationshipfulfillmentfactor.com

 - Speaking from Your Heart, Sharing Your Fears

No Rain, No Rainbow

The Next Stage of the Conversation  

     Once he hears that he is winning with you, then it is time to share your hurts and fears. It’s time to let him know that you feel that your marriage is in serious trouble.

     Let him know that you want your marriage to work for both of you. You want both of you to be happy and both to get your needs met.

 If it doesn’t work for both of you,
it doesn’t really work for either of you.

More Do’s and Don’ts

Do use “I statements.” Say something like “I feel rejected and hurt when you are being secretive.” Use the format: I feel _____________ when you do/say __________.

Don’t blame him. “You are being secretive and it’s hurting me and our marriage.”

Don’t make absolute statements. “You always leave me out of everything.” Or “You never show any affection for me.”

Do use qualifying statements. “It feels to me that you are leaving me out of your life.” Or “Lately it seems like you haven’t been as affectionate as you used to.”

Do talk about your feelings. “I’m feeling sad and bewildered.”

Don’t tell him what he is feeling. Men hate this. “I know you feel like I’m not giving you what you need.” You don’t know and don’t guess! This will kill the conversation.

Do ask him what he is feeling. Questions like, “How do you feel about what I just said?” Or “What is your perspective about that?” 

Do listen to him without interrupting. Let him say what he has to say. There will be time for you to say what you have to say. Listening means that you are paying attention to what he is saying, not thinking about what you want to say.

Don’t jump in and talk over him or get defensive. He will get frustrated and shut down. 

Do make it a two way communication. Think of it like playing catch. You throw the ball to him, he throws it back. You throw it to him. He throws it back. It’s a back and forth movement.

Don’tmake it a monolog. If you are the only one talking he will just tune you out and probably get angry. 

Do let there be silence between you. If you have to fill every moment with talking, you will never get him to talk. It takes a guy time to respond. Be patient.

Don’t jump to conclusions. If you are taking everything he says in the worst possible way that he could mean it, he will shut down and lose hope that you will ever really understand him.

Do let him explain how he feels and what he is thinking before you decide what it means to you and your marriage.

See my next post for Part 3 of How to Get Him to Talk About His Secrets

If you enjoyed this post, please consider leaving your comment especially if you have had success having a conversation when you are emotional and the subject is a lighting rod.

How to leave a comment:

• From the blog, click on the blue ‘No Comments’ link at the bottom of this post or there may be a number in front of ‘Comments’ indicating how many comments have been left.
• From your email, scroll up and click on the title which will take you to the blog and at the bottom of the post you will find the comment box already open ready for your comment.

Also, I welcome your feedback, requests for topics that you’d like for me to cover, and questions.

If you don’t want to miss a post you can subscribe in the box near the top on the right (titled ‘Subscribe Here’) to have future articles delivered to your email inbox as they become available. Of course, you can unsubscribe at any time.

And you can email me your relationship questions at eva@relationshipfulfillmentfactor.com

- When You are Hurt and Angry and He’s Ready to Explode

Part 1 of a 3 Part Series

Roberta writes:
    “My husband, the man I  love and desire to be with, has left me feeling bewildered and alienated.

   We lived openly, shared our thoughts of joy and sadness, our days and friendships.

   He now keeps his days and friendships private. Where once we logged on together there are now secret passwords and codes to everything: e-mail, Facebook, new social accounts, phone codes, bank accounts, and savings.

   I asked myself, “What I could have done to cause this rife?” Yes, we went through an emotional roller coaster and faced our share of problems, and we stood together through it all.

   Things appeared to be getting better and we’ve been up more often than down. He’s happier too. So I am lost as to why the secrets. My thoughts have begun to leave logic and my actions towards him are affected.

   Just the other day I was traveling from one location to another with our son, which took me right by his office so I thought I’d text him for coffee, as he’d mentioned he’d be in his office the rest of the day. I noticed his car wasn’t in the parking lot, when I saw him later he didn’t mention being out of the office and like a doubting fool (I am becoming, due to the secrets and Yes! I have discussed this with him.) I reacted instead of responding.

   The next morning I told him that I swung by and he wasn’t there and asked where he’d been? (Yes, doubting, distrusting, and reacting)

   He actually pointed his finger in my face and asked what time in a very agitated tone, I backed off. Realizing he obviously has something he wants to hide and as he went to work he said “From 9~5 my life is mine.”

   I would love some help here.”

Roberta, it’s time to have a calm discussion with him about this vital issue that is threatening your marriage (and your mental health).

 How to Have a Calm Discussion
When You’re An Emotional Wreck

Preparation for this conversation starts with you. Imagine you are a lawyer preparing to argue a case for saving this marriage.

1. Make a long list of things that you appreciate and value about him.
2. Write in detail the specific ways that he has improved your life.
3. Write how you feel about each of these things, how happy these things make you, how much you love it when he does these things, how your life is better because of him.
4. Make the case for him being a good guy who you love and want to be with for the rest of your life.

You many not feel like doing any of this. You may feel like verbally chewing a new crevice in his posterior. But lashing out isn’t going to get you what you want.

Take Your Preparation Seriously
Your marriage is at stake and your attitude during this conversation will make all the difference.

 Some Do’s and Don’ts

Don’t be in a rush to have the conversation. Be sure you are fully prepared.

Do come to the conversation with the expectation that you will, together, find a way to resolve the issues around this behavior.

Do realize that your words and actions have contributed to the breakdown in your relationship and expect to accept responsibility for your part. (This is something most women don’t like to think about.)

Don’t expect to take all of the responsibility.

Don’t start by saying to him, “We need to talk.” These words strike fear into a man’s heart. He hates them and he will avoid the discussion.

Do create a space where the two of you are alone (no children, pets, phones, TV, waiters, etc.) 

• Take a walk. 
• Take a drive to the country. 
• Go to the park for a picnic (where you can have some privacy).

  You’ll come up with a creative way to find a place with pleasant surroundings and no interruptions. 

Don’t have the discussion when either of you are tired, hungry, upset, stressed or have a pressing deadline.

Do open the conversation with something like, “I was thinking about how you improve my life.” This will get his immediate attention and he will be all ears. A man lives to hear this!

See my next post for Part 2 of How to Get Him to Talk About His Secrets

If you enjoyed this post, please consider leaving your comment especially if you have had success having a conversation when you are emotional and the subject is a lighting rod.

How to leave a comment:

• From the blog, click on the blue ‘No Comments’ link at the bottom of this post or there may be a number in front of ‘Comments’ indicating how many comments have been left.
• From your email, scroll up and click on the title which will take you to the blog and at the bottom of the post you will find the comment box already open ready for your comment.

Also, I welcome your feedback, requests for topics that you’d like for me to cover, and questions.

If you don’t want to miss a post you can subscribe in the box near the top on the right (titled ‘Subscribe Here’) to have future articles delivered to your email inbox as they become available. Of course, you can unsubscribe at any time.

And you can email me your relationship questions at eva@relationshipfulfillmentfactor.com

It’s Time To Blossom Like These Blooms

This is a continuation of my answer to Lana’s question from the April 30th post.

A Healthy Relationship Consists of Two Healthy People Who Each:  

• Know who they are, are comfortable with themselves, and are happy with their own lives.
• Are clear about their own values and share those values in common with each other.
• Want the relationship, are willing to work through the issues, and put the relationship front and center of their lives.

Four Steps To Attract the Right One Into Your Life

Step 1 - Discover the Magnificent YOU!
Take some time to get to know who you are! Spend time everyday journaling about:

1. The qualities that you value and appreciate about yourself
2. Your values (what is most important to you)
3. What you like and don’t like
4. The way you want to live your life

The Adventure of Self-discovery!
I remember when I was going through this discovery process many, many years ago. I had spent my life focused on meeting the needs of everyone else. I realized I didn’t know who I was, what I wanted, or what would make me genuinely happy.

These are the kinds of questions I asked myself:

What really interests me?

What am I naturally attracted to?

What’s fun to me?

What causes do I really care about and want to support?

What do I believe about God and spiritually?

This self-discovery is the most important part of preparing for a healthy relationship. If you don’t know who you are and don’t understand what you value, how will you recognize the qualities and values when you meet a man to know if he is a candidate to be the right one?

Step 2 - BE YOURSELF!
Stop trying to be what you think everyone else wants you to be.

When you are genuinely being who you honestly are,
that will attract the right one!

Step 3 - Get a Life!
I mean this in the most positive way. It is a red flag to a healthy guy if a woman is dependent on him for everything. You need to bring your own life to the relationship.

Get a job, even a part-time job at Starbucks!
Join a friendly church with lots of activities
Join a singles club or two
If you like to read, join a book club
Find people in your community that are like minded
Political? Join a local campaign
Like theater? Volunteer to usher or work on the sets
Get involved in a local charity
Find a group or two that interests you and volunteer to work on a committee or be a greeter at their functions
Become a part of your local community

You won’t create the life that you dream of by staying home agonizing over this pretend relationship and whether he loves you or you have a future together.

Step 4 - Carpe Diem! Seize the Day!
At 49, you have a lot of life to live. Once you have completed these steps, you are ready to start dating again! Don’t worry about the reaction you get from the guy you are living with. Tell him you are taking his advice to “get a boyfriend!”

Now, attract a man Who Wants You, someone you love equally, who wants you to marry him, who has all the good qualities that you want to companion with for the rest of your life.

Lana, I hope this has helped. I’m sure it isn’t the answer that you were wanting, but it is the answer that I believe will bring you the most happiness and fulfillment!

If you enjoyed this post, please consider leaving your comment especially if you have attracted the Right One for you.

How to leave a comment:

• From the blog, click on the blue ‘No Comments’ link at the bottom of this post or there may be a number in front of ‘Comments’ indicating how many comments have been left.
• From your email, scroll up and click on the title which will take you to the blog and at the bottom of the post you will find the comment box already open ready for your comment.

Also, I welcome your feedback, requests for topics that you’d like for me to cover, and questions.

If you don’t want to miss a post you can subscribe in the box near the top on the right (titled ‘Subscribe Here’) to have future articles delivered to your email inbox as they become available. Of course, you can unsubscribe at any time.

And you can email me your relationship questions at eva@relationshipfulfillmentfactor.com

This is a continuation

of my answer to

Lana’s question from

the April 30th post.

To Attract the

Right Man

for You,

You Must Regain Your Happiness and Confidence

In my last post I said to let go of your attachment to him. You may be asking, What is attachment? And why do I need to let it go?

You Know You Have Attachment When:

1.   Your happiness is dependant on someone or something outside of yourself

2.  You will be disappointed if someone does (or doesn’t do)something that you want (or don’t want).

The reason that you need to let go of your attachment is because:

It robs you of your happiness - it gives it to the person you are attached to.

It pushes away the person you are attached to.

You Must Be the Source of Your Own Happiness. To get your happiness back, you must make the decision (which is using your power) to be happy regardless of what he does or says. You can have a preference that he is nice to you, even one that he love you, but none of that can be the cause of your happiness. This will take practice!

Choose Happiness!

You Must Claim Your Happiness. It is within you. Like the sun shining out from behind the clouds, your happiness wants to shine from behind the clouds of your anguish. You need to stand for it, instead of giving it away. (Besides a happy woman is an attractive woman!)

A Powerful Source of Happiness is Gratitude

Be Very Grateful For What You Have  
     A roof over your head
     Food to eat
     A hot shower
     A friendly environment
     A sweet ‘adopted’ daughter
     A man who cares about you like a sister

Now make a very long Gratitude List. Include everything: the grass, the birds singing, the flowers blooming, qualities about yourself, qualities you see in others, indoor plumbing, clean water to drink, your health, the clothes that you own, your unemployment checks, friendships, that you live in the USA, your neighborhood, your neighbors, your car, your shoes, your feet, that you can walk, that you can see, that you are able bodied, your bed, your privacy, etc.

      Read Your List and Add To It Everyday

          This will help you:

1.      Heal your emotional wounds

2.      Give you energy

3.      Bring more good into your life

4.      Leave you feeling great!

When You Are Grateful, You Make Room for Receiving More Good into Your Life

Think of a huge plate of food. If you put a few bites in your mouth, but never swallow, at some point you won’t be able to get any more food in. Gratitude is like swallowing. It makes way for more.

If you want to be in a loving, healthy relationship with a committed monogamous partner, be grateful for what you have now and you will open the doors for him to be attracted to you.

Look for my next post for Part 3 of my 3 Part answer to Lana.

If you enjoyed this post, please consider leaving your comment especially if you have experienced the power of letting go of attachment and the benefits of being grateful.

How to leave a comment:

• From the blog, click on the blue ‘No Comments’ link at the bottom of this post or there may be a number in front of ‘Comments’ indicating how many comments have been left.
• From your email, scroll up and click on the title which will take you to the blog and at the bottom of the post you will find the comment box already open ready for your comment.

Also, I welcome your feedback, requests for topics that you’d like for me to cover, and questions.

If you don’t want to miss a post you can subscribe in the box near the top on the right (titled ‘Subscribe Here’) to have future articles delivered to your email inbox as they become available. Of course, you can unsubscribe at any time.

And you can email me your relationship questions at eva@relationshipfulfillmentfactor.com