Relationship Fulfillment Factor

- When You are Hurt and Angry and He’s Ready to Explode

Part 1 of a 3 Part Series

Roberta writes:
    “My husband, the man I  love and desire to be with, has left me feeling bewildered and alienated.

   We lived openly, shared our thoughts of joy and sadness, our days and friendships.

   He now keeps his days and friendships private. Where once we logged on together there are now secret passwords and codes to everything: e-mail, Facebook, new social accounts, phone codes, bank accounts, and savings.

   I asked myself, “What I could have done to cause this rife?” Yes, we went through an emotional roller coaster and faced our share of problems, and we stood together through it all.

   Things appeared to be getting better and we’ve been up more often than down. He’s happier too. So I am lost as to why the secrets. My thoughts have begun to leave logic and my actions towards him are affected.

   Just the other day I was traveling from one location to another with our son, which took me right by his office so I thought I’d text him for coffee, as he’d mentioned he’d be in his office the rest of the day. I noticed his car wasn’t in the parking lot, when I saw him later he didn’t mention being out of the office and like a doubting fool (I am becoming, due to the secrets and Yes! I have discussed this with him.) I reacted instead of responding.

   The next morning I told him that I swung by and he wasn’t there and asked where he’d been? (Yes, doubting, distrusting, and reacting)

   He actually pointed his finger in my face and asked what time in a very agitated tone, I backed off. Realizing he obviously has something he wants to hide and as he went to work he said “From 9~5 my life is mine.”

   I would love some help here.”

Roberta, it’s time to have a calm discussion with him about this vital issue that is threatening your marriage (and your mental health).

 How to Have a Calm Discussion
When You’re An Emotional Wreck

Preparation for this conversation starts with you. Imagine you are a lawyer preparing to argue a case for saving this marriage.

1. Make a long list of things that you appreciate and value about him.
2. Write in detail the specific ways that he has improved your life.
3. Write how you feel about each of these things, how happy these things make you, how much you love it when he does these things, how your life is better because of him.
4. Make the case for him being a good guy who you love and want to be with for the rest of your life.

You many not feel like doing any of this. You may feel like verbally chewing a new crevice in his posterior. But lashing out isn’t going to get you what you want.

Take Your Preparation Seriously
Your marriage is at stake and your attitude during this conversation will make all the difference.

 Some Do’s and Don’ts

Don’t be in a rush to have the conversation. Be sure you are fully prepared.

Do come to the conversation with the expectation that you will, together, find a way to resolve the issues around this behavior.

Do realize that your words and actions have contributed to the breakdown in your relationship and expect to accept responsibility for your part. (This is something most women don’t like to think about.)

Don’t expect to take all of the responsibility.

Don’t start by saying to him, “We need to talk.” These words strike fear into a man’s heart. He hates them and he will avoid the discussion.

Do create a space where the two of you are alone (no children, pets, phones, TV, waiters, etc.) 

• Take a walk. 
• Take a drive to the country. 
• Go to the park for a picnic (where you can have some privacy).

  You’ll come up with a creative way to find a place with pleasant surroundings and no interruptions. 

Don’t have the discussion when either of you are tired, hungry, upset, stressed or have a pressing deadline.

Do open the conversation with something like, “I was thinking about how you improve my life.” This will get his immediate attention and he will be all ears. A man lives to hear this!

See my next post for Part 2 of How to Get Him to Talk About His Secrets

If you enjoyed this post, please consider leaving your comment especially if you have had success having a conversation when you are emotional and the subject is a lighting rod.

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And you can email me your relationship questions at eva@relationshipfulfillmentfactor.com

This entry was posted on Saturday, May 9th, 2009 at 8:08 AM and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.