- Speaking from Your Heart, Sharing Your Fears
No Rain, No Rainbow
The Next Stage of the Conversation
Once he hears that he is winning with you, then it is time to share your hurts and fears. It’s time to let him know that you feel that your marriage is in serious trouble.
Let him know that you want your marriage to work for both of you. You want both of you to be happy and both to get your needs met.
If it doesn’t work for both of you,
it doesn’t really work for either of you.
More Do’s and Don’ts
Do use “I statements.” Say something like “I feel rejected and hurt when you are being secretive.” Use the format: I feel _____________ when you do/say __________.
Don’t blame him. “You are being secretive and it’s hurting me and our marriage.”
Don’t make absolute statements. “You always leave me out of everything.” Or “You never show any affection for me.”
Do use qualifying statements. “It feels to me that you are leaving me out of your life.” Or “Lately it seems like you haven’t been as affectionate as you used to.”
Do talk about your feelings. “I’m feeling sad and bewildered.”
Don’t tell him what he is feeling. Men hate this. “I know you feel like I’m not giving you what you need.” You don’t know and don’t guess! This will kill the conversation.
Do ask him what he is feeling. Questions like, “How do you feel about what I just said?” Or “What is your perspective about that?”
Do listen to him without interrupting. Let him say what he has to say. There will be time for you to say what you have to say. Listening means that you are paying attention to what he is saying, not thinking about what you want to say.
Don’t jump in and talk over him or get defensive. He will get frustrated and shut down.
Do make it a two way communication. Think of it like playing catch. You throw the ball to him, he throws it back. You throw it to him. He throws it back. It’s a back and forth movement.
Don’tmake it a monolog. If you are the only one talking he will just tune you out and probably get angry.
Do let there be silence between you. If you have to fill every moment with talking, you will never get him to talk. It takes a guy time to respond. Be patient.
Don’t jump to conclusions. If you are taking everything he says in the worst possible way that he could mean it, he will shut down and lose hope that you will ever really understand him.
Do let him explain how he feels and what he is thinking before you decide what it means to you and your marriage.
See my next post for Part 3 of How to Get Him to Talk About His Secrets
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Eva this is a fabulous reminder of the things you teach in your relationship workshop. Thank you! I thought I’d chime in to share that what Eva is saying–teh do’s and don’ts–really work, particularly the don’ts. After attending her workshop my husband will actually remind me that i’m interupting and it bothers him. He explains that he feels as if I really am not listening and don’t really care what he has to say. Yikes–not the best signal to give off in a marriage!
Eva, you also taught how sensitive men are–moreso than women. I was surprised when I first heard this and yet I have noticed over and over again how true it is. When I remember that he is MORE SENSITIVE than my girlfriends and me, and treat him that carefully when Ispeak, then I get great results and I’m usually following the “do’s” Eva offers without having the list in front of me. (Men simply don’t show their sensitivity the way women do; they huff off or get defensive or get aggressive–pay attention and you will see this. It’s fascinating!)
Finally, I find that timing on having the conversation is critical. Best to have it not on the heels of some heated talk. Best to let emotions simmer down and have both of us coming from a good space so we can both listen. My husband gets quite fearful when I say, “We need to talk.” I believe most men shudder at that, so tred lightly with that line.
Eva, when’s your next class–it’s a very fun, light way to get tools that really work for these types of conversations?
da best. Keep it going! Thank you