Relationship Fulfillment Factor

This is a continuation of my answer to Betty’s question 
from the April 21st post.

Is Your Emotional Bank Account Empty?

When you feel like you don’t have anything more to give your husband, it’s a sign that your own emotional bank account is empty.  How do you expect to keep giving when there is nothing left to give? It’s like trying to catch fish in this dry lake bed.

It sounds like you don’t give any attention (priority) to your own needs. You may not even know how to get them met.

There Are Five Things That You Must Do:

1. Learn to genuinely love and appreciate yourself. Make a list of qualities that you value and appreciate about yourself. At least once a day, genuinely compliment yourself on something you have done, or some quality that you exhibited. This is a great start to filling your emotional bank account.
2. Learn how to receive. This can be very uncomfortable because as long as you are giving you are in control. The feeling of loss of control can be unnerving, but if you are willing to try it, you will find it is glorious! 
3. Teach others how to give to you. Share with your husband, children, parents and friends what they can do that would feel good to you and nurture you. (I’ll be posting an article on this subject soon.) Keep it positive. Stay away from lectures on how they are draining every ounce of energy from you (even if they are).
4. Let them give to you. When you ask for something, if they don’t do it right away, don’t do it yourself. Give them time to figure it out. Don’t nag. Just allow them to see your enthusiasm for what you want and your needs will be abundantly met. 
5. Make time for your girlfriends. Schedule at least one lunch or coffee or long phone conversation per week with a girlfriend. Girlfriends recharge each other’s batteries like no one else can.

You are the most important person in your family.

• You are the glue that holds it all together.
• If you don’t take responsibility for getting your own needs met, no one else will.
• If you want to continue giving to everyone, to live a happy life contributing to the happiness of others, you’ve got to keep your emotional bank account full. You just can’t do it on empty.

What Happens If You Don’t?
If you don’t get your needs met, you will become more and more resentful about everything that you do for everyone else. You will end up a bitter martyr that no one wants to be around.

To sum this up, simply re-order your priorities like this.

      New Priorities

1. You
2. Your husband (and your relationship with him)
3. Your children
4. Your parents

Betty, I hope that is helpful. I’d love to hear from you after you implement these suggestions to know how it is going.

If you enjoyed this post, please consider leaving your comment (by clicking on the blue ‘Comments’ link at the bottom of this post), especially if you have found ways to keep your emotional bank account full.

Also, I welcome your feedback, requests for topics that you’d like for me to cover, and questions.

If you don’t want to miss a post you can subscribe in the box near the top on the right (titled ‘Subscribe Here’) to have future articles delivered to your email inbox as they become available. Of course, you can unsubscribe at any time.

And you can email me your relationship questions at eva@relationshipfulfillmentfactor.com

Part 1 of a 3 Part Series

Betty writes:
“I recently remarried. I have two children from my first marriage, which was never really a marriage. After my divorce, my children and I lived with my parents until our wedding.

I am deeply grateful to my Mom and Dad for their support during the years that I was single. I would have never been able to provide the lifestyle we enjoyed by living with them. They still provide many ‘extras’ in our life, especially for the children, that we would not be able to afford.  

Now I feel torn between my love and loyalty to my parents, my need to take care of my children (since they have been the center of my universe for 12 years), and my love for my new husband.  

As long as we are doing things with family, I feel great. But, when he wants time alone with me when the kids are around, I feel myself being pulled apart. It feels like he wants more of me than I can give him.

What do I do?”

Betty, before he asked you to marry him and you accepted, did you think about or talk with him about your priorities?

It sounds to me like your priorities are like this:

1. Your children
2. Your parents
3. Your husband
4. Yourself

This is a dangerous mind-set for the success of your second marriage. I’m wondering if the reason your first marriage didn’t work was because you never emotionally left your parents.

Leave Your Parents
There is an old saying, “A son is a son until he takes a wife; a daughter is a daughter for the rest of her life.” Unfortunately for many marriages, this saying is true because the daughter’s priorities never get updated to being a married adult.

When I say leave your parents, it doesn’t mean that you stop loving them. It means that you have a new focus in your life.

Now, it’s important to put your husband’s needs and the needs of your family before the needs of your parents. Any good parent will understand this and want you to give the lion’s share of your attention to your new life, while still maintaining a good relationship with them.

Here are the Secrets for Success of Your Second Marriage:

1. Decide that you want your relationship with your husband to thrive more than you want to enjoy the comfort of your old relationship with your parents. In other words, you have to decide that your marriage comes first! Until you do that, your relationship with him will go down hill from here.  
2. Look to your husband, not your parents, for your support. When you want something, if you go to your parents for it, you are cutting your man off at the knees. He will lose interest in doing anything for you (or even wanting to be with you) because you have shown him that you don’t trust that he can provide for you. This is a major mistake that will have terrible consequences for a long time.
3. Let your husband know what you want from him (in a fun way) and give him a chance to deliver. (In a future blog post I’ll discuss the magic recipe for asking him for what you want so that he will happily give it to you.)

Look for my next post for Part 2 Give Your Children What They Really Need of my 3 part answer to Betty.

If you enjoyed this post, please consider leaving your comment, especially  if you have found a good way to re-order your priorities to put your marriage first.

Also, you can subscribe in the box at the top on the right to have future articles delivered to your email inbox as I post them. You can unsubscribe at any time.

And you can email me your relationship questions at eva@relationshipfulfillmentfactor.com

Joan asked:

“My boyfriend lied to me again and I don’t know what to do about it. I want to forgive him, but I’m afraid that if I don’t make him suffer a little that he will just do it again and again. I’ve been in relationships like this before. It’s no fun and I don’t want to do it again.

        What do you recommend?”

Joan, how are you setting things up so that your partners aren’t able to tell you the truth?

That may feel like an unfair question. Most likely you aren’t aware that you are doing this. But, you may be sending signals to your man that you only want to hear what you want to hear. He’s complying with that unspoken rule.

Here’s How to Set It Up to Hear The Truth:

1. Let him know that you want the truth even if it will hurt. Let him know that you want the truth with love, not what people call the brutal truth. (Personally, I think the brutal truth is just an excuse to be mean.)
2. Tell him the truth. Again do it gently, but be honest about what you are doing, what you feel, and what you want from him. (More on how to do that in another post.)
3. Let him know the damage that his lie has caused. He may have felt like he had to lie, but never understood the real consequences. If you don’t trust him, your love for him will suffer and eventually it will die. Trust is essential for love to grow. When he lies, he is building your relationship on shifting sand, which will not hold up.
4. Set up some ways for him to regain your trust. Ask him to do some special things for you. And make some agreements about what you expect for him to tell you and when. For example if he is going out with the guys, do you want to know if there are any women involved, if he flirts or has an emotional encounter?
5. When he tells you the truth, it has to be safe. If you throw a fit when he tells you the truth, then he isn’t going to continue to be honest with you. If it’s too painful to tell the truth, he will take the easier road and lie. You have to be calm and if you feel yourself getting upset, ask him if you can continue the conversation later. Thank him for telling you the truth and both of you stop talking.

The truth is amazing. It is essential for a strong relationship. Every lie weakens the relationship. When you expect the truth and offer the truth, you show that you respect him and yourself. This sets the tone for building something that will last. It shows that you have standards and men will gladly meet your standards if you let them know (in a nice way) what you want.

If he continues to lie, then it’s decision time for you. Here are some questions to ask yourself:

1. Do you want to be in a relationship with someone you don’t trust? 
2. Will your distrust turn to anger?
3. What are the personal consequences you will suffer if you stay?

Joan, I hope this helps. The most important thing is to keep communication open with your man if you want to continue the relationship.

If you enjoyed this post, please consider leaving your comment, especially if you have found something that works to create trust in your relationship.  

Also, you can subscribe in the box at the top on the right to have future articles delivered to your email inbox as I post them. You can unsubscribe at any time.

You can email me your relationship questions at eva@relationshipfulfillmentfactor.com

This is a continuation of my answer to Sally’s question in the April 8^th post. Here are Steps 2 & 3 of the three steps to be able to walk down the isle to be his wife.

Step 2. Notice when he does something that you like and then give him genuine appreciation and recognition for it.

A man needs to know that he makes a difference, otherwise he loses interest.

      Let him know specifically:

1) What he did

2) How it helped you or improved your life

3) How it made you feel

4) How much you appreciate it

 Here are some examples:

 ”I just love (how it made you feel) that you fixed the sliding door (what he did) so it’s easier to open (how it helped you). Thank you honey (appreciation).”

 ”Thanks (appreciation) for making breakfast this morning (what he did). It meant so much to me to be able to stay in bed so I could rest and get over this cold (how it helped you). I feel much better now (how it made you feel).”

 ”I love (how it makes you feel) the way you hold my head when you kiss me (what he did). It makes me feel so loved (how it improves your life).”

 ”It makes me happy (how it made you feel) that you helped with the dishes after dinner (what he did). You made the job go so much faster which gave me time to relax before putting the kids to bed. Plus I enjoyed spending time with you (how it improved your life).”

 If he gives you a negative response like, “Well it isn’t much” just say, “I want you to know I appreciate it.” Then leave it alone. Don’t argue with him over it.

If he grumbles, he heard you.

 Don’t expect him to do a ‘happy dance’ over a few kind words. It will probably take a while for him to trust that you will continue to appreciate him. If you keep it up, he will. And you will love the results.

 Once you start giving him your appreciation, recognition and respect, he will respond with being the natural “solution machine” that he is designed to be.

 He will have more energy, take responsibility, and be more productive.

 For now it’s not important if he doesn’t acknowledge you for doing those same things. (We’ll get to that in another post.) Right now your ship is sinking and you want to get the hole patched as fast as possible.

 Step 3. Don’t give him advice or tell him how to do something, unless he specifically asks for it.

 If you really want to support him, ask him questions and let him give the answers, not you!

 For example, you could ask him “Is there something that you could do to take the next step in your career?”

If he says he doesn’t know, which is unlikely, say “Well, I trust that you will come up with exactly what you need to do.” Then drop it.

 Your trust in him gives him trust in himself, even if he is not aware of it or would never admit it.

 But let me warn you, guys have a very accurate B.S. meter! He will be able to see right through any phony compliment. It must be real. If you don’t feel it, don’t say it. Get yourself to the feeling first, and then it will be genuine.

 When he feels like a winner with you, he will want to be closer to you. He will pay more attention to you. He will be motivated to move his career forward, taking more risks, and showing more confidence.

And then you can start planning the wedding.

Sally sent me this question:

My fiancé isn’t doing what he obviously should be doing to get his career where he wants it to be.

I am very frustrated with him.

I keep coming up with strategies for him, but he doesn’t act on any of them. This is hurting our relationship. He says I talk to him like a child. I want to get married, but with his career lagging, it doesn’t seem like that is going to happen any time soon. What should I do?

I want to know this - Do you want to be his wife or his mother?
If he says that you are talking to him like a child, then that is what you are doing. When he accuses you of it, you probably say, “No I’m not” because you don’t mean to sound that way. But your perception of how it sounds doesn’t really matter.

His perception is his reality and that is what
matters in a relationship that you value.

If your words come across as condescending and disrespectful, whether intended or not, it certainly doesn’t leave your guy feeling like a winner.

A guy needs to feel like he is winning with his woman.  Obviously at one point he must have felt like a winner with you if you are engaged to be married.

If you’re thinking, “well he’s acting like a child, why shouldn’t I treat him like one?”

My answer: if you want to get the same results that you have been getting with him, continue to do what you’re doing. If you want to get different results, then change what you’re doing and the way you’re thinking .

Here are three steps that will allow you to be able to walk down the aisle to be his wife

1. Make a list of the qualities that you admire and respect about him. If there aren’t any, then you may be too far gone to save the relationship and if that’s the case, he may have already found another woman to give him the appreciation, recognition, and respect that he NEEDS. Remember this, appreciation, recognition, and respect aren’t a WANT with a man, they are a NEED. He must have them, and if you aren’t giving them to him, he is likely getting them or looking for them somewhere else. If you do admire and respect him for his many fine qualities, read the list daily to remind you of what a great guy you have and to treat him with the admiration and respect that you already have for him.

             Add new qualities, traits and characteristics to the list as you think of them.

 This list is a powerful tool to make an important shift in your relationship. But it’s going to take a while. Be patient.

It all starts inside of you, not with him.

(See Part 2 for Steps 2 and 3)