This is a continuation of my answer to Betty’s question in the April 21st post.
Give Your Children What They
REALLY Need!
When you were considering the decision to marry your second husband did you:
- Think about the impact this was going to have on your children?
- Get clear about how your new marriage was going to fulfill your hopes and dreams for them?
- Talk to them about that?
- Talk to him about it?
If you didn’t, it’s time that you did.
Your children need YOUR leadership to know what to expect and what the new ground rules are. If you are not providing that, they will feel insecure and they may either cling to you in fear of losing the relationship that they had with you, or they may be angry and detach themselves from you. Since you have two children, you may experience both types of responses.
Above all else your children need to feel loved and secure.
Love alone is not enough. All the ‘extras’ are nice, but what if those ‘extras’ are in the way of giving them what they really need? What if those ‘extras’ are teaching them that Grandma and Grandpa are their security and NOT you?
What Will Help Your Children Feel Safe?
- To feel safe, a child needs to know (and they know, you can’t fake it) that their parent’s relationship is solid.
- Children feel more secure when their parents openly show that they are in love and happy with each other.
- Children feel insure when there is a rift between their Mom and Dad (or Step-dad), even if there is no real danger of the relationship breaking up. (I will be posting an article on how to handle disagreements, conflicts, and challenges so that you quickly get back to the love.)
If you want them to feel safe, you must put your marriage first!
If you are focusing all of your attention on your children, you are undermining your marriage. Your husband isn’t going to play second fiddle to your children for too long. He will either tune you and your kids out, becoming more distant and angry, and/or he will get his needs met elsewhere. (That’s a nightmare you don’t want to put your kids, or yourself, through.) This will cause the children to feel more insecure.
This doesn’t mean that you ignore your children, but it does mean that your children don’t get all of your attention. For example, when he gets home from work, you give the kids 10 minutes with him to say hello and get a hug, then the two of you spend 15 or 20 minutes together alone while the kids finish their homework or set the table. This is time for the two of you to say hello, check in with each other, get a good kiss in before dinner and reconnect with your feelings of love for each other. (This will also keep your marriage hot!)
Keeping your marriage strong is your primary responsibility for your children’s long-term well-being.
If you want them to grow up to have healthy relationships, they need to see you in one. Children don’t do what you say, they do what you do. If you demonstrate to them that your relationship isn’t that important, then you can expect them to do the same.
Your relationship with your children may need to change.
This is especially true if you have primarily been their friend, instead of their Mom. Your children need for you to be someone they can trust to look out for their best interest. Being their friend does NOT give them that security. Instead they will feel that you just want them to like you, which will damage that trust.
Look for my next post for Part 3 What’s in Your Own Emotional Bank Account? of my 3 part answer to Betty.
If you enjoyed this post, please consider leaving your comment (by clicking on the word ‘Comments’), especially if you have found a good way to help your children adjust to your new marriage and feel secure. Also, I welcome your feedback, requests for topics that you’d like for me to cover, and questions.
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And you can email me your relationship questions at eva@relationshipfulfillmentfactor.com
